Saturday, January 24, 2009

The Awkwardness and Confusion

Sorry again for the long wait between posts.. I'm either busy with work or just don't have anything good enough to post or am unsure how to start a post like the last one took a few weeks to write up thus why I was like "2-3 weeks ago" and at the beginning I said "recently".


Matthew and I are still on a break.. and guess what I did that week that it happened? I was awful and took the wimp's way out: I avoided him completely.

I actually hadn't needed to go into the office since that night because the tasks I had at work were easy enough to do at home plus I called the big boss and said I needed a break from the office, he's a great boss so he understood and must've figured I needed a break from the noise like he sometimes does.

Matthew called me all that week but I couldn't bare to pick up the phone and my housemates were nice enough to cover for me since they knew what happened.. no such thing as a secret at our place hence why we're all such good friends.

I wasn't actually going to tell them but Enrique confided in Kalvin's straight twin, who lives with us too, for advice since me and straight twin dated in the past (Kalvin set us up before straight twin lived with us, Kalvin was hoping and still hopes I could become his sister-in-law) for a few months but it was more of a long fling than a serious relationship since we're not compatible enough (although we were compatible enough in the bedroom but it was weird since he looks just like Kalvin). Straight twin brought the other men in our group who don't live with us (6 of us live under this roof) into the conversation and so when he told me he told straight twin and they told the other guys then I decided to tell my next best friend, the twins' older sister, Brooke. Also told Mya at the same time since they were both in their shared room, she's Brooke's best friend and of course a good friend of mine.

Their opinions?

Kalvin thinks it wasn't technically wrong that I slept with Enrique since me and Matthew are on a break but he does think I need time out from both of them to figure out who and what I want.

Brooke thinks I'm only human (she openly admits that she thinks Enrique is hot and if he didn't love me then she'd be trying to "tap that" haha) and what was I to do faced with his perfectly toned and naked body. She's openly shallow so she thinks I should go for the hotter guy which is admittedly Enrique. Kalvin reckons he's got a similar look to Jesse Metcalfe minus the inability to commit. I sort of agree but to me Enrique is Enrique just like Kalvin is Kalvin so its hard for me to figure out the celebrity lookalike thing. Luckily Kalvin, whose guilty pleasure is celebrity gossip magazines, is always on hand to give me a celebrity that someone resembles. Who do I look like you ask? Now that would be telling hehe. I don't quite believe it anyways. They're way too pretty to look like me.

Mya is a big believer in monogamy so telling her was like being put in front of the judge for a direct verdict. She sympathized because she hates jealous men but she also thinks that even though we're on a break.. it was literally only minutes after that I slept with him. She believes women should be more in control of their hormones hence why as much as she loves her best friend Brooke.. a promiscuous-hornier-than-myself-bisexual.. she can't help but sometimes argue with Brooke about her one-night-stands particularly when she has consecutive nights away at random guys' apartments. She also thought I should tell Matthew and I shouldn't expect him to understand. To put it bluntly: I fucked up my relationship with Matthew.


I picked up the phone the week after we took the break. I was sitting on my bed when my mobile rang.. it was the second time that day.. the first was early morning.. I answered: "Hi."

Matthew: "Hi. I've missed you. I'm sorry I've been such a dick I.."



"Stop talking. I need to tell you something and you can't interrupt me."


"We're over. The night I said I needed a break from you.. was the same night I slept with Enrique." Silence on the other end. I was waiting for him to shout at me, to tell me to go to hell but nothing. He just hung up the phone. Well that was the end of that. I was too confused to even think about being upset. I had told him but I wasn't sure whether it was because I thought it was the right thing or because I wanted to push him away or because I didn't want to get back with him without being honest. My mind just seemed to draw blanks. So many thoughts but none making sense.

A few days later I got a call from the office saying he was flying to New York for business so they really needed me back in the office. It's time to move on I thought.


Last week.. he came back and his return was at a work do. I decided to not attend. I had missed him too much. I thought I might start crying if I saw him.. I wasn't ready. It would be too hard.

It was past midnight and I figured since everyone attended the do (not all of us work together but you could bring a guest so those who aren't my colleagues were the plus ones), they would be sleeping over at a friend's house who lives near where the do was taking place. Sure enough I got the call that everyone would be staying there so I decided to get some sleep.

Around 2am.. there was a knock at my door. I went to open it.. I hadn't managed to get any sleep yet.. and there he was, Matthew, standing in the doorway: "Hi." He said.. not angry. Not sad. Just normal.

"Hi." I said back, shocked. He was the last person I was expecting to see. " Do you want to come in?" He nodded and walked through the door. I closed the door behind him. He came towards me and pinned me up against the wall and kissed me.

After a long soft kiss.. God I'd missed him.. he lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around his torso and he carried me to my room. I was wearing night shorts and and a vest top and he was wearing a formal suit. He slowly undressed me and I quickly undressed him. I had missed his touch so much.

Before we had sex he stared at my naked body as if he was cherishing the moment or taking a mental picture. He even ran just his left pinky down my body from my forehead to my private place.. gently caressing my clit. His hands were so warm against my cold body. We didn't bother with foreplay.. we just had sex right away. It was the right balance of sweet and rough. I didn't want it to end but it did...

After the intense love-making.. we lay in bed.. holding hands and I lay on his arm while he just stared down at me.. then he said: "I love you. I missed you. So much."

"I've treated you so badly.. I don't deserve your love." I couldn't look him in the eye.. I suddenly remembered everything I'd done and felt so guilty. The past 40ish minutes made me forget the past couple of months.. all our problems.

"I'm the one who needs to apologize to you." I was so puzzled.

"What are you taking about?" He stopped looking me in the eye.

"I have an 18-year-old son, Benji is his name. His mother is my ex-wife." I sat up in my bed.

"What? You never told me this before."

"I know, I'm sorry, I guess I was just scared you wouldn't see me in the same way if I had.. you know.. baggage." I didn't know how to react. It was just so unexpected.

"I don't know what to say or think."

"There's more..." How on earth could there be more? "When I was on my business trip.. I slept with my ex-wife." There it was. Chest pain. I felt like my chest had burst open. Could this be the heartache that people talk of? I hadn't felt this feeling since Enrique disappeared off to Japan with his family... "Venus?" I stayed silent. What could I say? How was I supposed to react to this? I got out of bed and put a robe on my bare body.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"I just wanted to let you know that now we've both slept with other people.. you don't have to feel so guilty and we can go on as normal.. like before.. like before Enrique."

"It can never go back to how it was before Enrique, Matthew." A look of mortification appeared on his face.

"What do you mean? Of course it can." I sighed and sat on the bed and hung my head while playing with the hem of my knee length silk robe.

"No it can't. Like it or not, Enrique is a part of my life now I mean he's my flat mate for God's sake."

"He could always move out."

"I'm not going make him go out on the streets just because you're jealous of him. I understand your insecurity but I need someone who can trust me and you obviously can't." I couldn't look at him. I didn't want to know how he was feeling yet alone see how he was feeling.

"Look at me." I turned to look at him.

"I love you. Don't I matter?"

"Of course you do. We're just not meant to be that's all."

"Move in with me."


"You were practically living with me before."

"Yes practically but not actually."

He stayed silent then he got up and got dressed as quick as he could without looking like he was rushing. When he finished, he said: "Let me know what you decide to do as soon as you can. Its me. Or him." He walked out. Leaving me with a thousand different thoughts but again none of them making any sense.

Kisses, V.V.


jiggins said...

Wowo. Life is what happens when you let go and live a bit huh? You are emotionally charged, sounds like you and Matthew both are - I can relate.

This is going to be a bumpy road - but if may need the traveling. For sure, it is a life lesson. From everything and all that will be going on in this situation - i think you will learn so much.

Good luck, be well... and I look forward to the next page in this chapter. :)